Gifts

Just read something on AOL about 'Gifts Under $5.00!' Got news for you. If anyone was thinking of getting me a gift for under $5, keep your $5. Please. That goes for any gifts. I am a grown man. I don't need gifts. If there is something I want, I will buy it. If I can't afford it, I am damn certain I am not getting it as a gift. I realize the economy is going through a difficult patch here but I ain't buying anyone a gift under $5. If I feel the need to purchase a gift for you, it will be well over the $5 price tag. Ya dig?

I was in a store this am that is fully decorated for Xmas. Thanksgiving is what, more than 2 weeks away? Really? Xmas on 11/9? Better stock up on those under $5 gifts.

I just did a late booking at the Comedy Stop in Atlantic City. Going to be back on the boardwalk 12/1-8. Ah, the boardwalk in early December. Hookers in parkas, homeless buried under cardboard,junkies scurrying from pawn shop to liquor store, a perfect tableau.

-AR

The Horror

What can you do? Barry is in and Mac is out. Overcoming 8 years of the worst President in memory is a tough hill to climb, even for John McCain. Bushy fucked Mac twice. Back in 2000 with his boy Rove and then in 2008 with his failed policies. Now America has Barry Obama to make things right. Honestly, not the guy I wanted but I am glad it's over. I've had enough.

Watched 'Before the Devil Knows Your Dead' last night. Really good flick. Started it about 8PM as I couldn't stand to watch Britt Hume and others reading numbers with 2% of precincts reporting. Flick ended around 10:30PM and then I jumped on to watch the horror.
It's impossible for words to describe what is
necessary to those who do not know what horror means.
Horror. Horror has a face...And you must make a friend of horror. Horror and
moral terror are your friends.

-AR

Mac Live 11/3/08

Had the opportunity this am to go and check out John McCain live. He was making a stop in Tampa at 8AM in front of the home of the Tampa Bay Bucs, Raymond James Stadium. I hauled my ass up at 6AM, after a final show last night at Side-Splitters and positioned myself about 10 feet from the podium. A smallish crowd was milling around and as I watched the Secret Service checking us out, I felt like Travis Bickle at a Palantine rally. A couple of local hacks opened up the festivities, putting the already sleepy crowd dead on their feet. There is a reason these clowns are County Commissioners. Once they finished braying, the bleachers started to fill up and 'homemade' signs were dispersed. 'I'm Joe the Plumber.' 'Tampa Loves McCain' etc. I stood behind a woman who made Sean Hannity look like a socialist. She was screaming 'No-bama' every chance she could get. I wanted to knock her down and say, 'We get it! We all agree! Shut the fuck up!'

Former Tampa Bay Buc Mike Alstott kicked off with opening remarks then gave way to Gov. Charlie Crist, who makes Tan Master George Hamilton look like that kid from 'Powder.' My man, Sen. Mel Martinez was up there as well as Tom Ridge. Of course, Cindy McCain was on hand as she has to always be within 5 feet of John. Not sure what is going on there. Sort of like Linda McCartney in Wings. No real role, he just likes having her around.

Mac spoke, the crowd went nuts, and then they all split for the bus. Gov. Crist, hung around for some small talk with anyone who wanted to chat. By that time, I had been on my feet for 3 hours and in need of my air conditioned sled. I split hoping I had just saw the next President of the USA. As Jesse says, 'Keep hope alive!' That is what I am trying to do.

Care To Guess Who This Is?

Local Gig

Time to work a local gig. Yes, that's right. Get in the car and be at the show within minutes. Bang out the local jokes, pick on the local people, then head to the bar and drink with the same. Gotta love the local gig. I'll be taking the mike at SideSplitters Comedy Club 10/30-11/2. 7 big shows.

How many more days till the election? I am growing weary. I heard the Messiah say 'A righteous wind' was blowing and I nearly puked up my moon pie. I still hold out hope that a McCain victory can be had. Although I also picked the Rays in 5 so take it for what it's worth. I wish Barry had come to my door weeks ago. I could have asked about his tax plan and become 'Al the Comedian.' Might have been just the jump start my career has needed. Speaking of which, there is an old clip of mine on youtube. I have no idea how I ended up in the Golden Age but it's pretty cool to be with some of the heavy hitters that are found there. This particular clip was shot at Stand Up NY sometime around 1993. It was a taping for a Comedy Central show called 'Stand Up Stand Up.' I remember hanging out in the basement, er, greenroom with a kid named Jon Stewart. He was working on an MTV show the name of which fails me. Something about people sending in an idea and then it was acted out on the show. Didn't last long but he seems to be doing okay.

I have a few articles regarding Stand Up Comedy at the Examiner. Punch in my name and my scribblings should come up. I write about the Tampa Comedy scene but will soon be moving to the National Comedy Scene as the Tampa scene has 2 clubs and how much can you really say about them? Ya dig?

Weird World Series game tonight. So if the Phils win, do they jump around the field and celebrate? Wouldn't that look rather odd after only 3.5 innings? I think the Rays will take this and bring it back to the dome for Game 6. As for the dome, how good does it look now after watching Game 5?

-AR

Peace and Love, Peace and Love

Just don't fucking send me anything to sign! I'm done!...Peace and Love!

Harlem voters

I Approve This Post

Tomorrow night I head to Fishlips in Cape Canaveral Florida. I know what you are thinking. Finally! Yes, after a storied career I finally make it to Fishlips. I'm looking forward to it. As stated on this blog ad naseum, I enjoy these gigs. I just worked at the Gypsy Comedy Club in St. Augustine, Fl last weekend. One show Fri, one show Sat. What's not to like? Walk on stage in jeans, Heineken in hand and ramble on about anything I damn well feel like. I did an hour both nights and had more fun than I have had in a long time. Granted working in Vegas or a ship is fun but there is sort of an underlying pressure. At small comedy venues, ain't no pressure. People sending beer to the stage as I freely curse and make comments about Barry Obama. Who wouldn't like that job?

Speaking of Barry, I'm not getting paying any attention to the so called Polls. I'll wait for election night with my bowl of popcorn and some vintage Pinot Noir. Even Barrys' running mate, Joe the 6 Term Senator, said the if Barry wins he will be tested in the first 6 months. Who exactly wants that? I think we have already lived through that Presidency and his name was Jimmy Carter. Nice enough, fella. Just not cut out for the Highest office in the Land. Barry was in my neck of the woods just yesterday, talking about rooting for the Tampa Rays. That's all well and good except he told the good people of Philly he was rooting for the Phils. This is the 'new' kind of politician? The kind that told Joe the Plumber he wanted to 'spread the wealth.' More like 'spread the poverty.' Poor Joe. He never asked for this kind of celebrity and now people like me know he has 2 liens on his home and isn't really a plumber. 30 media trucks outside Joe's house. None outside Bill Ayers. Hmmm?

I will be at SideSplitters in Tampa Oct. 30-Nov.2. Been quite a while since I've taken the mike at Splitters. If you haven't been there in a while either, they have dumped some bread into the place and it shows. Looking forward to working near home and airing some Tampa jokes which have been archived for some time.

Rays v. Philly starts tomorrow night. Wonder how that will affect my 10:00PM show at Fishlips? I booked this gig months ago and the last thing on my mind was 'What if Tampa is in the WS?'

-AR

Paula 1973-2008

This is Paula on the right, dancing on Christmas night, '07. She was murdered almost 2 weeks ago by her husband. We celebrated Christmas at her home and she made one of the very best dinners I have ever had. Lots of wine and Grand Marnier was consumed. Still numb to the idea that she is gone but the way she is singing and dancing that night is the way I will remember her.

Canned Juice

Currently working on board the M/S Grandeur of the Seas. Had a cigar and a few cocktails with Bobby Arvon last night. For those not in the know, Bobby is the guy who sang the 'Happy Days' theme to the old television show. Earlier we had dinner with Hal Frazier a singer who for 2 years was Don Rickles' opening act. Those are the kind of stories I want to hear during gestation.

Upon returning to my cabin, 'The Jackie Gleason Suite' I turned on Fox and caught the O.J. Simpson jury just as they were coming in with a verdict. Sweet! Had some gin running through my veins and was eager to see the Juice get cuffed and led away. I didn't have to wait long. Guilty on all counts. He looked a bit stunned but not as upset as I might have been looking at what is basically life in the can. 13 years to the day. Amazing. The Tampa Bay Rays hold a 2-0 lead in the ALDS and OJ is finally in the can. All on the same day!

I was able to watch the trial while I was in Vegas a few weeks ago. Quite a pack of morons the Juice was running with. Gotta love friends who record every conversation they are having. A scummy memorabilia collector has some personal effects of OJ's. Simpson in his addled brain thinks the best way to act is to get a group of thugs together and go get the shit back. Someone brings a gun. Someone brings a recorder and gets OJ on tape saying nobody gets out of here. I'm not an attorney but I would think that might be hard to defend. The thugs take deals and testify against OJ. OJ goes away. Finally.

I am sitting in the JavaNet in Portland, Maine. The weather is perfect. I feel like I should be eating some form of lobster but I just don't feel like it. Everything in this town is about lobster. There is even some poor schmuck in a lobster costume waving at cars, next to a kid singing 'I Won't Back Down' on his acoustic. Lots of hipsters hanging here pounding away on their Macs, sipping gay coffee drinks. I went with a Smart Water. I think it was a good choice.

It's been a hell of a couple of weeks. I don't have the energy to write what has gone down. Some of you know. Most probably don't. I'll try to get you caught up soon.

-AR

Take a Moment and Enjoy My Mullet

July 1991

My thanks to Mark V.

A Real Cool Hand...

Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand.

I Couldn't Be Prouder

Saw a friend of my sister's on Myspace. Thought I'd be friendly and offer to 'Add me as a friend.' Seems she takes this Myspace thing, very seriously. I do not. If you want to be my friend, you're in. Not really giving the Space a lot of thought. It seems to be a good way to meet up with some old comedy friends and a way to put a few extra assess in the seats at a show. Anyway, this is the response she wrote and sent to my sister:


Please tell him, with all due respect, that altho I love "You" (Linda) - that I cannot be seen on line having "right wing nut jobs" as friends. I'm too informed to vote Republican and don't want to hang with them, even in cyberspace.


I guess she was also 'too informed' to learn how to spell 'although.' I hope she watched the debate last night and saw the media creation that is Barry Obama. A 2 year Senator who has spent those 2 years running for President. Come to think of it, she probably missed it. I mean, she already is 'too informed' so what would be the point of more information?

Drink now, I must.

Back On Tampa Media

I'm back on my favorite Web Talk Show! Seems they read my blog...

Random Thoughts and a Black Eye

I flew into Vegas last night to get a jump on the whole time difference thing. Usually, I get in on Monday night and have to perform 2 shows the same night. Then I am on stage feeling like it is 3AM and I begin to blabber about and not know what I am saying. Probably some of my better shows but still, I needed a good night's sleep and am now ready to start the week of 14 shows.

What's more fun than watching Barry's campaign implode?

I want to put some dough on the Eagles tonight but just can't seem to do it. The dreaded Cowboys will probably win but I would love nothing more than to see the Eagles prevail and win some cash at the same time.

Saw 'Vicky Christina Barcelona' and recommend it to anyone who likes movies with interesting characters and witty dialogue. It is astounding that Woody Allen just churns out movie after movie for almost 40 years and people are not respecting the achievement. One of his flicks would be a career for someone but he is averaging 2 films a year. It is a ridiculous amount of work and there is no one even close to following him when he is gone.

The Tampa Rays are Playoff bound while the Yanks are golf bound. No shock there. I saw the Rays/Yanks back in May and the Bombers looked old and tired. I'm sure they will throw the bank at Sabathia and others but I don't think they will be able to beat the Rays for the foreseeable future. The Rays have 10 years worth of First Draft picks that they are ready to cash in.

Had an interesting night last week. My wife and I were walking our dogs when I began to feel lightheaded and started to experience tightness in my chest. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground. I dropped like a rock, twice and was soon in an ambulance heading to the ER. After some oxygen and glucose, I came around. Tests seemed negative although I have a few appointments with various doctors waiting for me next week. In the meantime, I am sporting a nice shiner and lots of pain on my side as I hit the road face first. Smashed my glasses but how I didn't crack my skull, I'll never know. Good times.

Off to tell jokes...

-AR

Biden Gaffe: Asks a Gentleman in a Wheelchair to Stand Up

God love ya, what am I talking about?...Indeed!

6/16/89

While clearing out a bunch of old papers and shit, I came across a set list from June 1989. I love the * in the right corner denoting 'New Material' as if I, the writer, wouldn't know. Opening out of the box with 'Guy in Stall' a bit I still pull out every now and then when needed. 'Contacts-Q-Tips' has gone to the comedy graveyard as well as 'Piedmont.' Remember them? Anyone? An early 'No Frills' airline that I use to jump on to take me from Norfolk, Va to NY. 'Coming Home Drunk' did some nice business for me, especially at College gigs. 'Cat-Dog' I don't quite remember but I think every new comic has a Cat/Dog chunk. 'Cow Tipping' I see is 'New Material' which I don't think ever really got off the ground. 'ESPN' no idea how this bit went. 'Prell' another newbie. I think this was about the Prell Hotline. 'Batman' explored the sexual preferences of the Caped Crusader and his Boy Wonder as well as criminals who wore costumes. 'Movies' might have been about the film, 'Whore.' The joke was how I walk to the ticket booth and say 'Whore' and the ticket girl exclaims, 'Scumbag' and then the audience convulses uncontrollably. 'Dad in Bathroom' I cannot remember at all. 'Babysitting' not really sure. 'National Geographic' revolved around the African gals and their large breasts. 'Nissan' brought tales of my '200 S-H-I-T' and 'S&G' is the Simon and Garfunkel bit that closed many a show for me. 'Tree, Book, Shoe and Cow' indeed. 'Impressions' are something best forgotten.

-AR

Addicted

So, David Duchovny is a Sex Addict. Seems he checked himself into a brothel, er rehab facility. Why would a married guy with kids publicly admit to being a sex addict? If it was to help promote his shitty X-Files movie, nothing was going to help that bomb. Maybe it's too promote his Showtime series, where I believe he plays a sex addict. 'Californication' I think is the name of the vehicle. I would go on a limb to say most guys could be considered sex addicts. I just don't get why a married one with a couple of little kids would want it out there.

I'm taking a week or two off from all things politics. I feel like my head is going to explode with all the media jumping on Gov. Palin and then the backlash against said media. I need to watch some 'Family Guy' and just turn off my mind, relax and float down stream, for awhile.

-AR

The Last Remake Of Beau Geste (1977) Opening

Great movie...hilarious opening song!

Huh?

While enjoying the NY Football Giants beat up on the Skins, I caught the new Seinfeld/Microsoft ad. One word. Huh? Felt like it clocked in around 25 minutes or so but was actually only a brutal 90 seconds. I went back and looked it at again. Somehow it was unfunnier and clunkier the 2nd time. Bill Gates is buying discount shoes. He's a size 10. He has a Platinum Card. The future = Delicious. Did I miss something? I thought it was me since I was watching John McCain accept the nom, the Yankees/Rays and the G Men v. Skins. Luckily, I was recording the G Men and was able to go back and examine the spot again. Still not funny. Still clunky. Swing and a miss.

I'd like to see this flick, 'Bottle Shock' but I feel like it's one of those flicks that will be gone before I have the chance to put on some pants and shoes and head to the multi-plex. Same for 'Vicky Christina Barcelona.' They seemed destined for a DVD purchase in a month or two.

I'll be at the Tampa Improv 9/10-11, for those interested.

-AR

The One Niter

I've been at this a long time, yet I still find myself falling into certain traps when I know how they will turn out. Comics have a whore mentality. We want to get that cash. If someone is dangling it, we want it.

A month or two ago, I did a 4 nite gig in a comedy club. After one of the shows, a local guy approached me and said he was booking a one niter in town and would like to have me perform. A one niter is exactly what it sounds like. It's usually in a shitty room in a bar or restaurant. One show, one nite, cash money. I gave the clown my cell number and said I would be interested. A few weeks later he calls. He left a message, then another, then another. I call back and he asks what I would need in compensation. I throw a number at him. Not a huge number but a decent number for one show an hour or so away from the ranch. He accepts. I then give him the name of a local comic who would be good as an opener to the show. He is pleased to get the name and offers her the job. We are all set. I send him an email confirming the gig and move on with my life.

The gig was set for tonight, Thursday 9/4. On Tuesday 9/2, I received an email stating the gig was cancelled. Seems the 'club' doesn't want to do the show. He doesn't bother to email or call the opening act. If I didn't, she would be on her way there in a few hours. In the back of my mind, I knew this gig would never materialize. They never do. Guys who appear from the audience looking to 'book' a show are the same kind of guys who promote dwarf tossing or mud wrestling. They see a show, enjoy the show and then think they should be making money at this. When they find out it takes work, promotion, etc, they fall apart and the show gets cancelled.

It's really not a big deal. Hell, I am happy to stay home tonight and watch the NY Football Giants and John McCain. The opening act needed the gig. She needed the time on stage and the dough. That's how it goes in Comedy. As Seinfeld so eloquently put it, 'It's all shit.' Thank God for the Improv's, Casino's and Cruise Ships. Otherwise I would have packed up my gags long ago and moved on down the road.

-AR

Oh, and to the anonymous emailer who wrote that he doesn't come to my site to read about John McCain and politics...fuck off!

Sarah Now

Mac has made his pick and its Governor Sarah Palin from Alaska. I join you in a collective, Who? As of the typing of this, I have no clue. Heard someone say she looks like the teacher in the Van Halen video, 'Hot For Teacher.' I'm sure in the next few days we will know everything we need to know about Ms. Palin. I'm going to trust that Mac knows what he is doing and go along with the pick. As if I had any other choice.

Made the horrible mistake of tuning into TCM last night around midnight. 'Apocalypse Now' was just starting. Shit. I said to myself I'll only watch till a certain point then tune out. Then another point. Then he is carving up Brando. As great as it is, I always wonder what Orson Wells would have done with it. Wells was writing the screenplay for 'Heart of Darkness' but couldn't get the bean counters to cough up the dough. So he got even fatter and sold shitty wine before it's time on TV.

I watched Ted Nugent last night on the Glenn Beck show. Can't stand Beck. He is a double chinned ass. But I found myself agreeing with the Nuge. Not on the killing of animals. Can't get on board with that. Or the loin cloth. But otherwise I sat there nodding along and actually agreeing with him. I'm still not going to bust out 'Wango Tango' but the crazy fucker does make sense.

I sit blogging in the Bean Bank Cafe in Sydney, Nova Scotia. Nice enough environs. Definetly a haven for the older folk. Still, a nice break from the usual hot hot hot Caribbean.

"It might have been my mission, but it sure as shit was the Chief's boat." - Willard

Biden?

After a week of watching the talking heads breathless await the announcement from the Messaih on who would be his running mate, we get Joe Biden? Really? Wow, what a gift. I was actually a little nervous he would go with Mrs. Clinton and make this interesting. But Biden? The same guy who not long ago said Barry wasn't ready to be President. The same Joe who said he would be proud to be on the McCain ticket. Now he is going to go after Mac? Please. For a guy who is supposedly about "Change" this is the safest pick on the planet. Now Barry can go off and give his speeches while they sick attack dog Joe on Mac. What a snooze.

Had the pleasure of watching 'Jerimiah Johnson' last night on TCM. Sweet Jesus, is that a great flick. That old Queen, Will Geer as the Grizz Hunting old coot who teaches Johnson how to survive. Hadn't seen that flick in years. If you havne't seen it, I recommend you check it out.

The Tampa Rays are going to win the AL East and the Yanks won't make the playoffs. Imagine the bread that could have been won in Vegas had you known that back in March.

I am banging this shit out in the Admiral's Club in the Luis Munoz Airport in Old San Juan. Heading home after a successful week on the Grandeur of the Seas. Worked with my old friend, Tim Walkoe. Funny man out of Chicago. One of those rare treats when I get to meet up with a funny cat from the comedy clubs.

Enjoy the Democratic Convention. Hopefully Mrs. Clinton's people will cause plenty of havoc and ruin Barry's party.

Joe Biden's racist slip